Love is Not Enough... The Making of a Relationship by Bill Malone

“Love doesn’t just sit there, like a stone, it has to be made, like bread, remade all the time, made new…, all the time, made new…”

Amy E. Dean

We think that the hardest thing in a relationship is finding the right person. After that, we fall in love and live happily ever after, right? Those in a relationship know all too well that fairy tales are only true in the movies. The truth of the matter is that having and maintaining a relationship is not easy. The rate of divorce tells us that love is not enough; other factors are needed to keep a relationship going.
As a therapist, I am privileged to work with many couples who come for help with their relationship problems. Looking back, it would be safe to say that the major problem that brings a couple in for counseling is because one or both of the parties are at their wits end and are seriously wanting out of the relationship unless some major change occurs. In working with couples, I don’t see that any one is at fault. Rather, the problems are usually caused by faulty interactions that have gone on for so long that the root cause for the problems are unknown to the couple. It is interesting to note that women tend to call for assistance more frequently than men do, but I believe this has to do with the fact that males have been socialized to be tough and handle all problems. Women on the other hand are reared to ask for assistance. Men need to learn to ask for help.
Communication problems are a major source for relationship problems. People in most cases just do not know how to talk to each other. Usually, the couple has spent years arguing, fighting or even avoiding problems, but the inevitable occurs, someone reaches the end of their rope. Loss of trust, confusion over whether we still love each other, fights all the time and the inability to agree on anything are some of the cues to recognize that a relationship is having serious communication problems. Many times a child’s misbehavior and conduct problems at home or school are directly related to a couple’s inability to communicate.
The goal of the counseling process is to teach the couple specific skills that are essential in keeping a relationship alive and growing. Many times the couples that I have seen had a deficit in one or more of the essential ingredients needed to cook up a great relationship. I don’t want to mislead anyone, love is important to a relationship. It is the catalyst that gets the whole thing going, but the following are ingredients that keep the love alive and the relationship healthy.



TWO MATURE INDIVIDUALSA mature individual is defind as a person who has a sense of self. He/she is able to recognize that both members in the relationship are different. They are able to see that each has a different heritage, a different way of thinking, feeling and possibly different beliefs. The mature person is able to recognize the I, Me and the Us in the relationship. With all the differences in personalities, thoughts and feelings, it’s a wonder that we got together in the first place.
Without the element of maturity, a couple can get all messed up just because they lose themselves in a relationship. They can become jealous, dependent, resentful and distant. All of which can erode the reason the couple became a couple in the first place.



GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLSThe ability to tell each other thoughts, feelings and wants is so important to a relationship. Good, open, and honest communication is like oil to a car. Without oil in the car, internal parts will burn up and the car will be ready for the scrap pile. Communication is important!
There are no mind readers. For a relationship to grow and prosper, likes, dislikes, desires, hopes, dreams and problems need to be said. If a couple’s communication is restricted, the relationship is destined for major problems down the road. We take cars for oil changes to keep them going strong, why not seek a professional’s assistance to change our communication patterns in order to keep the relationship in tip top shape just like our automobiles?



THE ABILITY TO CHANGERelationships are not static. They are ever changing. If they become static for too long, they can become extinct like the dinosaurs. Relationships go through a life cycle: the honeymoon, with children, mid-life crisis, the empty nest and the reacquainting period and then death of a spouse and the end of the relationship. All of these stages require change, learning and exploration of new territory. If one or both members in the relationship becomes rigid and resistant to needed changes the relationship could end in divorce. In my opinion, one of the major reasons that couples end in divorce is because they were unable to change to meet the new needs and demands of the relationship. One or both were unable or unwilling to make the needed changes to keep the relationship growing; as a result, the relationship died. Change we must, it is part of the human condition. If it was not, we would all still be infants in diapers.



ABILITY TO COMPROMISEThe ability to compromise refers to an individual’s willingness and proficiency at finding the middle ground. Being able to compromise is a sign of maturity. It is also needed in any relationship. If one person always gets his/her way, the other person is bound to feel dominated, and resentful. These negative feelings can rip the heart right out of any relationship. Finding the happy middle can provide the best of both worlds… giving and receiving. Sharing the last dish of ice cream with a friend is always better than eating it all alone, isn’t it?



A WILLINGNESS TO WORK TOGETHERA relationship is like a business partnership; it has common goals, assets and liabilities. Like in a business, if members don’t work together, the business will become ineffective and possibly not exist for too long. The ability to work together means recognizing each person’s strengths and helping them come out at the same time recognizing each member’s weaknesses and learning to turn weaknesses into assets. Two heads are better than one and if couples follow this rule, they will see that the deep depressing valleys that lie ahead may be nothing more than pot holes once they approach them.



KNOWING WHEN TO BACK OFFEvery one needs room to breath, room to sort out their own thoughts, feelings and problems. If someone is always hanging on you, there is a tendency to want to push them off to reduce the burden of carrying them all the time. Providing individual spaces gives any individual the ability to see things more clearly.



SUPPORT AND TRUSTOne of the benefits of a relationship is that we will have someone in our corner to support us and to affirm our existence. This support adds to the trust that is needed in any relationship. Without mutual support, a trusting relationship will not develop. Each member must have its emotional needs met in order to continue to invest in the relationship. The continued support and the being there for the other person emotionally is the way in which trust is developed. If a trusting relationship is cultivated and maintained, the ability to try new adventures and take new risks are enhanced. A supportive trusting relationship outside of the bedroom always increases the activity in the bedroom.



LOVE, HUGS, KISSES AND LOVEMAKINGThe open expression of feeling in any relationship is vital to the continued growth of the relationship. Lovemaking should not be overlooked in a relationship, but it need not be the only ingredient that exists in a relationship either. Lovemaking is the icing on the cake and it gets there by mixing all of the above mentioned ingredients.
Good lovemaking starts outside of the bedroom. If you want to increase the frequency and intensity of your lovemaking, try to increase the frequency and intensity of your communication, willingness to work as a team, sharing of self, being kind and supportive, give space and freedom to explore individual interests. All of these ingredients will add to the makings of a fine, wonderfully iced cake.



A WORD ABOUT RELATIONSHIPSIf you are in a relationship and are experiencing some problems and don’t know what to do, a trained professional can provide you with:

• Support
• A listening ear
• Directions
• Guidance
• Communication Training

You owe it to yourself and your mate to find answers to your struggles. Remember, no one is trained on how to have a great relationship, so we are bound to run into problems.
“A man is wise and strong who recognizes he has a problem and seeks out a solution rather than see the problem and stick his head in the sand.”

Wellbeing

This is a broad topic that has consumed my attention in the past months or should i say a year and a half considering that our meaning of this term is way out of balance or we just dont have the time to define it properly, analyse and succintly take action on this good phenomenon. for a person growing up in the southern tip of Africa specifically Botswana this has never been a problem, but through constant globalisation and transfer of lifestyles and practices we find ourselves caught in this vicious cycle that the more developed countries have been fighting for much longer than we know.

One might ask why our older generations never fell victim of illnesses and disorders like diabetes, obesity and other chronic diseases, through my opinion people used to live longer in the past, were never overwhelmed by diseases as they took thier well known traditional medicines and worked all round through thier fields and yards and would even walk for greater distances (good exercise), from what my people tell me their diet was rich in wholeweat and fibre too as well as natural fruits and vegetables. well the obviouis reasons would be the transition in lifestyle from hereforth, work demands (being at the office for long hours on the computer, eating junk and crashing to bed right after arriving at home) and challenges all round not forgeting the current Genetically Modified foods that plague our precious little earth in the quest to satisfy the ever enourmous demanding food market around the globe with fresh produce. The feed offs are sporadical and cannot be covered in an instant, in the hope that through discussion you will further highlight those areas and geberally in subsequent posts.

During my varsity days (not so long ago) i enrolled in two intresting subjects in Organisational wellness and sociology that i somewhat stumbled upon but later proved they would go a long way in synergising my life beliefs and interests with the knowledge i accumulated from then forth. ironically enough without realising these two subjects had a deep relation that i ddint notice at face value; but the one week in sociology there was a discussion of modern and traditional medicine in the contrasts and similarities yet beneficial to society.

This brings me to the main point of this article being one of the ancient Indian traditional form of medicine that was dicussed which is Ayurvedia; defined as as a system, which uses the inherent principles of nature, to help maintain health in a person by keeping the individual's body, mind and spirit in perfect equilibrium with nature.

Now the meaning of Ayurvedia are defined as follows:
Ayurveda is a Sanskrit term, made up of the words "ayus" and "veda." "Ayus" means life and "Veda" means knowledge or science. The term "ayurveda" thus means 'the knowledge of life' or 'the science of life'. According to the ancient Ayurvedic scholar Charaka, "ayu" comprises the mind, body, senses and the soul.

The Origin of Ayurveda:

Widely regarded as the oldest form of healthcare in the world, Ayurveda is an intricate medical system that originated in India thousands of years ago. The fundamentals of Ayurveda can be found in Hindu scriptures called the Vedas— the ancient Indian books of wisdom. The Rig Veda, which was written over 6,000 years ago, contains a series of prescriptions that can help humans overcome various ailments.

What does Ayurveda do to you?:

The aim of this system is to prevent illness, heal the sick and preserve life. This can be summed up as follows:

• To protect health and prolong life ("Swasthyas swasthya rakshanam")
• To eliminate diseases and dysfunctions of the body ("Aturasya vikar prashamanamcha")

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The Basic Principles of Ayurveda:

Ayurveda is based on the premise that the universe is made up of five elements: air, fire, water, earth and ether. These elements are represented in humans by three "doshas", or energies: Vata, Pitta and Kapha. When any of the doshas accumulate in the body beyond the desirable limit, the body loses its balance. Every individual has a distinct balance, and our health and well-being depend on getting a right balance of the three doshas ("tridoshas"). Ayurveda suggests specific lifestyle and nutritional guidelines to help individuals reduce the excess dosha.

This system teaches maintenance and protection of the whole person (mind, body and soul). Ayurvedic medicine is based on an individual's characteristics and body frame rather than oriented toward treating disease or sickness.

Each of us are made up of a combination of the three types of doshas. The three doshas are comprised of these five universal elements:

1. space
2. air
3. earth
4. fire
5. water

Vatha is a combination of air and space.

Pitta is mostly fire with some water.

Kapha is mostly water with some earth.

Overall well-being and striving for longevity depends on keeping your doshas balanced. Any imbalance among the tridoshas causes a state of unhealthiness or disease. Factors that can bring about balance of the tridoshas are diet, exercise, good digestion, and elimination of toxins.

A healthy person, as defined in Sushrut Samhita, one of the primary works on Ayurveda, is "he whose doshas are in balance, appetite is good, all tissues of the body and all natural urges are functioning properly, and whose mind, body and spirit are cheerful." hoooooray my spirit jumps up and this links in with what i later learned in wellness about wellbeing, this is one of the concepts we discussed at length. you see contrary to what people think wellbeing/welness is not a race to be perfect or the most difficult thing, no its just our habbitual mindsets and it boils down to assesing your wellbeing through many simple tests availiable wich show you how you fare in the different aspects of your life e.g Mental/psycho, emotional, physical.

http://www.wheelofwellbeing.com/

This follows on the different combinations of doshas a person can be called the Tridosha.

What is 'Tridosha' or the Theory of Bio-energies?:

The three doshas, or bio-energies found in our body are:

• Vata pertains to air and ether elements. This energy is generally seen as the force, which directs nerve impulses, circulation, respiration, and elimination.
• Kapha pertains to water and earth elements. Kapha is responsible for growth and protection. The mucousal lining of the stomach, and the cerebral-spinal fluid that protects the brain and spinal column are examples of kapha.
• Pitta pertains to fire and water elements. This dosha governs metabolism, e.g., the transformation of foods into nutrients. Pitta is also responsible for metabolism in the organ and tissue systems.

characteristics of each dosha to consider if you are predominately one dosha or would be classified as a combo-energy such as vatha-pitta or vatha-kapha, or pitta-kapha, and so on.
You can find out your Dosha @ http://healing.about.com/library/quiz/dosha/bldoshaquiz.htm
OR

Vatha Profile

Pitta Profile

Kapha Profile

or go to http://healing.about.com/library/quiz/elements/blelements.htm to see what four natural elements are you mostly aligned with between  Earth, Air Water, and Fire. Understanding what each element represents helps us evaulate where our indiviual strengths and weaknesses are. Healers have found that focusing on the elements can often be helpful when seeking what course of treatments would best address our problems.

I particularly found out that my Dosha type is primarily Kapha, and that the  elements i am more aligned with are FIRE and WATER.

Fire represents energy, tool for transformation, connection to personal power, and inner strength. Water represents emotional release, intuition, and inner reflection.

The elements i am not as strongly connected to are air and earth. Air represents intellect, mental intention, and connection to universal life force. Earth represents grounding, foundation of life, substance, connection to life path, and family roots.  Again this should be done with caution as it may or may not be true...

Kapha Body Structure:

• Large Frame
• Tends to be overweight
• Thick and pale-colored oily skin
• Strong white teeth
• Blue Eyes
• Full lips / Large mouth

Kapha Characteristics:

• Speaks in slow monotone
• Requires deep sleep
• Steady appetite
• Heavy sweating
• Business oriented
• Good memory
• Passive
• Dislikes cold and damp
• Loves good food
• Enjoys familiar surroundings

From here there is guidance on the sort steps and treatments you can take specifically connected with your Dosha type and it doesnt necesarily mea every suggestion is true, its upon you to sieve and take yourself to the right direction based on the guidance. As i take steps to revive my challenge towards wellbeing i will post some of the suggestions based on my dosha type and the strives i am making to realise this. It would be interesting to find out you dosha and incorporate in the discussion.

Other useful Ayurvedic treatments:

Meditation

Yoga

Breathing Exercises

Chakra Alignment

Massage

Steam Baths or Sweats

Look out for my next post as i explore this phenomenon called wellbeing further; as i said before its  multi dimensional and cannot be discussed in a single post. i shall be particularly dwelling on the interests of diet, and how a good diet impacts the wellbeing wheel, as my Dosha suggests above i am a sucker for good food; but the health element is a critical one as i havent been practising it for the better part of my life, fully that is; and i have taken keen intrest in this young man for a long time; http://www.jamieoliver.com/recipes, with his lavish display of good food, real good food, with a mix of herbs, grrens and fibres in an unorthodox yet healthy way.

He takes food that are so called bad and makes them healthy; his challange of trying to change the diet around schools in the UK, has been close to me.

AND THIS IS WHAT HE CREATES THROUGH IS COMPONENT OF DIET BIT BY BIT:

SO IT CALLS FOR US TO BE DEDICATED THROUGH THE REST;

Remember it begins with getting out of your comfort zone, acknowl;edging work that needs to be done, and taking that initial single step to a better life...